As I write this, I face a deep battle.
My head is in a deep war with my heart. I’m an eligible bachelor and that still, must wait. Eligible yes, but I must wait. With a plethora of options to choose from, I must yet live as one with no option available.
As I check the rice for the umpteenth time to know if it’s done, as I cut the onions and battle tears, my heart reminds me that this could yet be avoided. As I wake up and scramble to arrange my room, as I sweep, as I dress, as I monitor, I am reminded that this could be somewhat better.
My heart keeps reminding me of the fact that I need not do domestic chores all by myself, that I need not live alone, that I need not cuddle my pillow during the nights, it shows me a list of willing helpmeets. As I battle to do all these things and correlate them with my own life’s hustle, I see the ever increasing need for external help.
But even with all these pristine conditions and salient reasons, my head cautions me, think boy; my head keeps whispering. How’s that even a whisper? I can hear all of that from all of a thousand miles. You have a whole lot of time, the heart has based its conclusions on temporary feelings, feelings that will not stand the test of time. Ill-advised for you to base your long term future on momentary feelings. The head says all these and more.
As I complete one grueling project and fall awkwardly on my bed, scenes are being played out in my head. I am told of how easy life can be. How life wasn’t created for one person. How “two is better than one”. How it is a pressing mandate that one couples with another.
As I gulp down a chilled drink and savour some delicious meal, I am reminded that there is love in sharing. I am reminded that wholeness is attained in shared moments. As I remember this, the food begins to turn sour in my mouth. I lose my appetite.
As I enter the mall to do some shopping for myself, I am prompted that I still have some more money left. This is money that shouldn’t follow me home. This is money that should be spent on someone’s head, money that should be invested in someone. But there is no someone, and yet again, my money goes home with me.
As I buy that expensive bottle of cologne which comes with a gift package the same clone. There is an urge to give it to somebody, but yet again, there is no somebody. I have to use it all up by myself.
As I look at the mirror for the umpteenth time, I am reminded that I look good for no one but myself, and suddenly all my finesse is gone. I look at the mirror and I see shattered images, young man is broken. He looks good only for himself. What a pity.
As I am subjected to whimpers of pleasure and ecstasy and frenzy, I am retold that I also can experience this fourth heaven all at no cost. And I give it a thought but then look around, and there is yet nobody to share this heaven with me.
I want that feeling of touch, security, that sensation, that mad rush of blood, I want that feeling. How long do I wait?
– Miracle Roch