I didn’t forget the ethos of this blog. I didn’t forget that what has made this blog dear to me is the platform it has given me to tell MY story from MY own lens. I know I haven’t written a great deal about myself in recent times, I know I have managed to fraudulently stay consistent (one story a month) even though I haven’t been that committed. I apologize guys, it was not intentional.
No, it was not writers block. I did not get tired of writing, actually writing remains about the only thing that gives me life (asides my new amazing phone of course), but I haven’t written because I have actually been struggling with the very subject of my writings – me. What do I write about myself when all I’ve been doing is get stuck in a loop of cyclic redundancy (I stole that line from Windows).
Honestly guy, I don’t know how I have managed to remain on point. My life looks lit, and it is! There’s been a conscious attempt to get killed by enjoyment (since there has been no one to follow me go). Thing is I have become too carefree to even view anything from my own lens. I go through lots of experience daily but I have become too unbothered to care what I think about them. My unlooking levels just hit a 101.
Sadly, this post isn’t going to give me a jolt of consciousness like I hoped it would. Chances are after writing this, I’d go back to my pretty mundane life of work-home-work. I try to diffuse that banality by doing things like eating plenty food, and spending more money on food. But even that hack can only work to a certain point.
Don’t get me wrong guy, I’m not depressed or sad. My life isn’t going through a crisis, but I’m just too darned to care about what I do outside work. It’s a been a miracle how I have managed to stay on track at work and in life. Even though the Beauty Formula’s facial scrub which I bought for a ridiculously high amount couldn’t stop the zit I noticed on my face this morning (after spending all that money, this life eh!).
Every day I go to bed, the only thing on my mind is to ensure I don’t wake up a fraud. I care so much about not being fraudulent. When I have my sessions with God (they have become so informal, a rarity these days), the only question on my mind is “God, am I a fraud?”. I don’t even preach so the question of whether I practice what I preach doesn’t come up, I have become a man with no voiced opinions.
You see, honesty matters a great deal to me. Lately I’ve done a whole lot of reading about renowned fraudsters like Bernie Madoff, Jordan Belfort and the likes and I cannot for the heaven of me fathom how human minds can be deliberately and intentionally deceitful. It is something I cannot stand, yet, I know that, being a fraudster isn’t something people set out to do which is where the conundrum sets in (more on that in subsequent posts, maybe?).
Whenever I walk into my bathroom and stare at my semi-naked body in the mirror, it gives me joy knowing I am not a fraud. Gives me happiness knowing there is no skeleton in my cupboard, gives me joy knowing I still have a good heart, knowing that I am not doing stuff I am not proud of. And that is the key to my sanity. The fact that even under relenting pressure, there’s only so much as to what I can do. That makes me happy every morning, waking up to the fact that my boundaries still exist.
I am not a fraud. I stay true to my personal motto. Now, are you a fraud?