I haven’t had the chance to reflect on my birthday in depth. It’s been a whirlwind period for me filled with only highs and no lows and I couldn’t be happier. This is the first time in three years that I’d be away from anything work related for this long. Staying away from work, and not having to worry about something or someone that needs to be saved or need my help has allowed me time to think about myself and the evolution I have undergone. I couldn’t stay this long without writing so I’ve written this panegyric of myself in one take. Of course, like all other panegyrics, it could appear like I’m being too full of myself, depending on the lens you read this from, and then maybe appear like I’m being too hard on myself. But it doesn’t matter, enjoy this one take piece, forgive the errors as I’m still on vacation and not functioning at optimal capacity also seeing as I’ll definitely follow this up with a part two when I’m back in my stride.
Few months ago, I wrote an an article about how people shouldn’t cry for me when I die because I may not necessarily come across as being nice, so many people reached out to me to counter that statement. They kept reiterating the things I’d done for them and how I was literally the nicest person out there, and while it felt nice to hear all these things, they just don’t get it because that’s not how I’d define niceness. The things I define as niceness is what the world frowns on sometimes, like getting into random DMs and offering to have lunch and coffee with a total stranger because somehow I know that’s the little break they need from their life (did I hear you scream “how will you, a stranger, know what they need best”?). Or is it the people who always tell me they envy my life, how unbothered and unfazed I am and how I’m always happy (this is true) without stress (this is not).
I live a very honest life, I mean if this were during the heydays of online dating where you had to pretend to be composed during the first date with your online match, I’d probably fail all the time because I wouldn’t wait until the second date to crack my chicken bone in your presence, nor would I wait for the third date before I ask the waiter if I could have some more sweet and sour sauce. I’d do all those things on the first date because by the 17th date, I’d still be doing them unabashed and unashamed. This way, I’m under no pressure at all to pretend to be who I’m not to impress you by changing who I am. When people ask me what my secret to always being happy is, this really is it! I always tell them this is it — my originality no matter how awkward it is, I always own what’s mine unashamed! It looks so banal that it is almost unbelievable, but I wish I had a deeper answer.
By focusing on my present and living my life to the fullest, I’m leaving no stones unturned for the future. Sometimes, this comes out a bit too much for people, I’m always two seconds ahead (which may seem impatient and forward), a mitochondrion always looking for the next available person beside me to transfer that happiness to. Like that one time when I was on vacation on New Year, and I was wishing random strangers on the street a happy new year, or the other time I walked into a lounge and just started introducing myself to everyone I saw there. So much energy, so much joy, so much magnanimity that I’m always looking for who to share it with and it gets even difficult because my career as a Strategy Consultant also puts me in this same mode seeing as I’m always advising or putting together some strategy for others (hence no distinction between my life and work). One of the things I plan to do is to try so hard to create this distinction because sometimes humans don’t need help, they just want to be sinking and that is totally fine. I’m still trying to come to terms with this reality, because then you stop overthinking and stop trying to offer help “which may seem intrusive especially when not asked for”. Speaking of things people potentially intrusive; my excitement and energy! I’m always in my constant cloud nine state that I wonder how people cope with me. I’m sure they find that intrusive most times but don’t want to tell me because then again, they know the world needs more happiness than nought.
I also plan to take a full one year off work soon and just learn to live without trying to help save the world or help the next door neighbour, and believe that the world will be fine without me. Oh! I am also not perfect, I do think I have lots of flaws especially around controlling my energy and excitement levels. The battle I always have with this is that dichotomy between honesty and control. Do I just be fully honest about who I am unleashing all my elements or do I control the release? The battle being that sometimes, I tell myself that controlling them would be dishonest as it doesn’t show the true extent of my pizzazz. While I keep pondering over that, I know that whatever flaws I may have, will eventually sort itself out because if I remain honest about them and always listen to feedback, the help/improvement I need will eventually come.