Don’t Chase Time

I haven’t put up a post on here in a while, well in a little over a month. But I have been writing short pieces and putting them up on social media. I started these little thrust pieces where I’d dwell on one theme during a particular period.

Lately, I’ve been writing short pieces on chasing love and time. These pieces have been figments of my imagination but so many people have been relating with them. That has to be one of the good things about writing, the fact that you can create an alternate story and still find a place for your phantasms in the real world.

I also have a couple of incomplete drafts in my folder about stories I’d been wanting to put up. I have an almost finished article on happiness and why we should all do the things that make us happy irrespective of consensus opinion, but that post will come up some other day. Maybe, I’d post that during the end of the year when people get into really sober reflective moods as they measure their progress for the year. I’d also begun a post that was to act as a follow up to this post where I chronicled my intentions to start fighting for things. My efforts have been laughable thus far so I’m waiting to get sufficient sample size before I write down my conclusions.

However, today I want to talk about something different and I will make this piece short (circa 500 words) because I haven’t ruminated on this piece for a long time like the others. I just literally opened my Mac and started typing and so far I haven’t had a break.

I love football, I love watching Arsenal play, and whenever we score, you can bet my roars will bring the whole house down. Now, if I get that excited when we win, imagine what I’d look like when we lose (and recently, we’d been losing a lot before the new coach came in). Don’t imagine anymore, I’ll tell you for free. I can be an emotional wreck when we lose, taking out my frustration on whoever comes next.

One time, I had a friend who swore never to talk to me any time Arsenal lost, I didn’t think it was such a big deal until I started one of those my routine introspections and I figured I needed to get a better hang on my emotions especially when it has to do with things I’m passionate about like people, Christ, football, technology, strategy, etc.

I have realized that at the forefront of our quest as individuals for “better” is time. We always slip into the subconscious realm where all we are told is that there is no time, so you rush into decisions and actions because you are trying to beat time. I’d since come to learn that if you can control your reaction to time, you can almost control all the other facets of your life. You are not running out of time, no one is chasing you and that’s what I want you to learn from this short post today.

Stay True!

Miracle Roch.

Crying in Two Years

For the first time in two years; I cried and shed a tear.

In between these two years, I have tried to shed a tear, I’d come across situations that warranted a tear but they just wouldn’t come out. My heart was too restful and chilled to become tensed about any situation. I was beginning to get worried that I was becoming too hard, lacking emotion and empathy. People had begun to describe me as “too serious”, and I was slowly developing a reputation both at work and within the neighbourhood as the “no nonsense guy”.

You know, most people thought I was proud, they assumed my lack of visible empathy to pride. I’d become so straight to the point that I didn’t mind whose ox was being gored, I said it just as it was without sugarcoating how I felt. My only saving grace was that, I never had a bad feeling towards anyone, my heart was chilled and at peace, so even in those fiery moments when my emotions poured out; the love was visible.

Several nights I lay on my bed deep in intimate thoughts with God, trying to remember how far He’s brought me and my family, I’d feel really grateful and broken, but the tears just wouldn’t come, I’d always ask God to “break me”, and at the same time hear him telling my Spirit to “let it flow”, I’d hear him saying the ball was in my court yet I was hapless.

I felt that block, I knew there was something in my heart that was stopping me from tearing up, I couldn’t exactly pinpoint what it was, but there was something, felt like a block or a lock, saying “man, que sera sera”, I couldn’t care any less. It saved me a lot of stress, I had no expectations from people – I didn’t expect anything from people, I took everything that came my way at face value, and it felt good. I was living large.

But that morning; I cried. I sobbed profusely. I couldn’t exactly point to why, but the tears were profuse; in the early hours of the morning. I tried desperately to stop, the more I tried to be rational about it, the more tears strolled down my cheeks.

Those tears made me realise the transformation I had undergone in two years. Two years ago – the last time I cried – I was in a bad place, I’d felt let down by several things and people so I cried a lot. I didn’t understand why a honest guy like me would become a victim; I’d managed to conjure up a “me against the world” scenario all up in my head, and then in my usual defiant manner, I woke up one morning and told myself I was going to shake it off, turn a new leaf and pretend like none of that happened. I put myself on autopilot, superman like. For two years, I’d blocked off my emotions without knowing it, all the love I showed was ephemeral, nothing deep. I’d developed a thick skin without even realising.

Funny how an act of unreciprocated selflessness broke me – I had been the recipient of selflessness and I was disappointed at myself for lacking the ability to reciprocate, it was then it dawned on me – Man, what happened to you? When did you become so cold? This isn’t you, can never be you, how do you always end up so blessed even without doing anything extraordinary; how? You see, I’m really blessed to have the right set of people in my life. I don’t have many friends, I’m not even sure I’d be able to fill up a 100-seater hall with people who genuinely look out for me, but the very few people in my life have been worth the while. They have been tailored made to meet different needs at various points in my life.

So that morning, I thought about how people remain in my life even when I make no effort sometimes to keep them, and I thought about how they go the extra mile for me, I see how genuinely “in love” they are with my life and the realization sets in. In between these two years, my life has been transformed by an overwhelming outpour of undeserved love from different shades, I’d only begun to realise. These things broke me, love was an expensive ideal for me growing up, growing up, it felt like something you had to earn, something you had to give up something to get in return. As I grow older and see expressions of undeserved love, I become even more motivated to extend that trait by becoming a channel of love to my immediate society and also shed a few more tears. Enough of being that superman, it doesn’t hurt to show a soft side, no harm in being called “soft”, no harm in being jeered for not being “masculine” enough.

Do what keeps your heart at peace, do what keeps you vulnerable, only then would the tears flow.

Stay True!

Miracle Roch.

She didn’t break my heart; I did!

DISCLAIMER

This piece is wholly fictional. Just one I played out with myself as the villain. None of these happened, I just loved the concept of having one’s heart broken by one’s self and decided to turn it into a prose. You know most times we are really in love with someone and we waste time letting the person know how we feel about them, this story was constructed in a way that ensures it relates with everyone. Don’t waste time, love is a beautiful thing, when done the right way. Read and don’t enjoy.

 

***

Ok, I ran to my laptop almost immediately. My heart was about to tear into shreds. I hope by the time I would have finished writing this, I would have gotten myself together.

FLASH BACK

I’ve been in love with some girl for over two years now. The first time I saw her, I liked her and I walked up to her, collected her number without making my intentions known (because I really didn’t know what the said intentions were at that point). Somewhere along the line, we became platonic (zoned maybe) friends without any single thing (not even a pin) attached. Then she had to leave to another state because of school. I didn’t see her again…until she had to leave that school and come join my school (her father is a professor in my school so I guess it was logical to switch over). Then we crossed paths again, there was the momentary exchange of pleasantries, I think we saw one more time this time she was in the company of a friend then I saw her again one afternoon. I walked her home, we passed her house and we kept talking…it took a whole lot of nerves to keep my emotions in check. But thankfully, I did. She started recanting her experiences during her one year away, and she mentioned having a boyfriend (my emotions unchecked itself) then breaking up with him (emotions checked) and staying on her own. At that point, I really didn’t harbour any intentions of dating her (she was more than a calendar to me) so we just kept being friends, we kept seeing and kept talking and my conviction was strengthened. As the days passed by, I was convinced she was the one, as the weeks passed by my heart kept longing for her, it was becoming strong. I still didn’t want to date her but I hadn’t told her how I felt about her. She had given me a clue the other day about how she was happy I was in her life (albeit as a friend, call it the friendzone although she didn’t mention the “friend” part *insert sad face smiley*) but I hadn’t told her what I felt. The reason was because, one, I felt it could lead us into a relationship and I didn’t think I had the time a relationship would require, two, I wasn’t sure of what the effect of that would look like. So I decided to just keep being friends with her and see what the climax would look like. That was the plan until I came across a different school of thought that said it was wrong to like a girl and not let her know. So I set out to let her know how I felt, now take note, I’m a “ladies’ man” (not that Bradley Cooper kinda) just the normal man aligned to the ladies so I don’t have a problem talking to ladies. There’s no lady in this world that I can’t walk up to (now that’s a bold statement) so I was surprised to find out that I was grappling with nerves. Why was I so nervous at the thought that I was about to make my (honest) feelings known. Ok, I was able to finally sort out the nerves; no big deal.

PRESENT

I called her, the intent was just to have a pure conversation and I was shocked. First, she stuttered while she picked the call, like she was engrossed in something, secondly, I heard a guy’s voice in the background, how could this be? She just told me she was in her room, ain’t no way a guy gonna come in there! Just as the call was about to end, I think she got tickled and I heard the guy’s voice again. I ended the call, dejected, heartbroken and forlorn.

I had just experienced a heartbreak from someone who doesn’t even know she’s broken someone’s heart. Why did I waste time? What makes this so painful is that, she must have felt I wasn’t ready ad I didn’t respond to any of the signals she sent.

I had just experienced a heartbreak…one inflicted by me upon me and no other. Pitiable.

I just pray these things are only playing out in my head and not real, I’m seriously praying the guy’s voice came from a TV set, or that it was a girl having a thick voice. Because it would mean, she also lied to me and that would make me wipe away that angelic soul I had always seen behind her smile and then I would have to start all over again. I don’t want to.

Lord, I really love this girl and you know I do, you also know she would say yes, if I ask her out meaning you have opened the door. I’m not ready to lose her, not now, not in the near future. Heal my broken heart.

 

Stay True!

 

Miracle Roch.

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