I love my job. I look forward to my job every day, on weekends I get disappointed at the prospect of not having to go to work. It has nothing to do with my exuberance, I simply love what I do.
But ever since I started working here, I have rarely felt good with myself. I keep feeling I disappoint myself. I keep feeling I have not really contributed something ingenious to my job, I keep feeling I haven’t done anything special. That I haven’t differentiated myself from any other person.
I keep a work diary, there I write down the tasks I carry out and how I go about them, every time I go through that diary, I feel disappointed, I keep writing the cruellest things about myself. The impression is that I’m a “Black Einstein”, I rarely feel like a Chike Obi to start with.
It got me really bothered, why do I keep rating my contributions to the job so low? Most times when there’s a task in the office and I struggle to come up with a blockbuster distinctive solution, I always end up feeling disappointed with myself. It’s like my brain has let me down.
But don’t get this twisted. I’m only giving what I have, if I haven’t come up with anything blockbuster, it’s because it’s simply not there or so I think.
Meanwhile, when you hear reports from my colleagues about me, you’d be shocked at what I have written. When they say all those dope stuff about me, I’m left confused. Am I the same person they are talking about? In my head, I have been average, but apparently, they see something different. It is deliberate.
I put too much pressure on myself that there’s no chance to rest on my oars. Never believe your own hype, the day you do, your downward spiral becomes expedient. You can never learn anything new if you don’t empty the “bin”. Until you pretend to be a novice on something you’re absolutely good at, you won’t learn something new. So I never ever feel I’m on top of the world (unlike DBanj). That way, I strive for more.
I’ve conducted numerous Microsoft training for people before, I’ve been called a Microsoft genius from various quarters before, and I’ve really done some cool stuff with Microsoft before but alas! When I stepped into the new job, I pretended to be a “john”, listened carefully to the directions I was being given on how to do basic stuff, you wouldn’t believe how much more this supposed “Microsoft genius” has had to learn.
Imagine I came fronting myself as a genius, I wouldn’t have learn all those supercool new stuff I have learnt. This is the bane of our generation. We never ever want to come across as empty, we always want to say something even if it’s irrelevant. I call us the “Noisy Generation”, we always want to show off, either by putting up deep quotes on Facebook, or dope captions and pictures on Instagram, all in a bid to create this pseudo aura of awesomeness. Listen to me, the day you begin you hover around what to give to the public as against what you feed yourself with, you will perish.
There’s something called an overflow. Anything you give to society should come out of an overflow, you should saturate yourself with so much knowledge that there’s no space anymore. Let me give you a little story.
I used to be known (still known) as “a people’s guy”, people say I make it very easy for people to trust me and all that stuff. So it brought so many people into my life, people who relied on me for some sort of support or something. I was pretty good at that though, but I recently decided to toss the trash. I told myself, I wasn’t going to be a pro for any one coming into my life, I was going to forget all the “how-to”s conversation starters I knew (and lectured people on).
Ever since I took this decision, I’ve had quite a good number of people throng into my life for the first time. I have seen how tedious it has become for me to keep conversations going, most times the urge is there to switch on my “pro-ness” and give life to the conversation, but I always win that battle. During this period of dry and boring jokes to keep conversations going and keep people in my life, I have learnt a valuable lesson. A lesson I wouldn’t have felt the need to learn, if I didn’t deem it fit to start all over.
In acting like a boring guy, I have learnt to appreciate how tolerant the human soul is. I have realized that most often than not, what keeps people in your life doesn’t have to do with your awesomeness or what you do for them, it is how you make them feel. And, how you make them feel is independent of what you do, those that want to stay in your life will stay. Someone that wants to stay will stay, irrespective of the devil in you. You don’t have to do nothing to impress them.
This is just one example, I’m sure you’re subconsciously doing a self-appraisal of your life, you must have seen different areas where you need to start all over again, don’t be like religious people who keep using testimonies of over 30 years ago to preach to a new audience, don’t be misinformed about the current trends around you, simply because you’ve stuck with “ancient and modern”.
Keep trashing, that’s the only way you can take in more!